If you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, you probably wouldn’t have any left.

If a friend showed up late, forgot something, or messed up at work, most of us would say, “hey it happens”. Directing the same situation on us, the internal commentary would skip the understanding part entirely and would go straight to “what’s wrong with you?”.

The mistake was the same but the tone completely changed. Psychology has a pretty solid explanation for why that happens.

There are multiple versions of Self

There is a well-known theory in psychology called the self-discrepancy theory, developed by psychologist E. Tory Higgins back in 1987. The basic idea is that you don’t just have one “self” in your head. There is:

• The person you actually are right now – The Actual self
• The person you want to be – The Ideal self
• The person you feel you should be, based on obligations, people’s expectations – The Ought self

Negative feelings, according to Higgins, don’t come from any one of these on its own, they come from gap between them. The type of gap even predicts the type of bad feeling: falling short of who you want to be tends to bring on sadness or disappointment, while falling short of who you feel you should be tends to bring on anxiety or guilt, it’s usually our brain flagging a specific mismatch between where you are and where you think you’re supposed to be.

We really are our own worst critics

This isn’t just something people say to sound relatable, there’s data behind it. A 2014 University of Michigan study found that people consistently rate themselves more harshly than other people actually rate them. So the toughest critic you deal with isn’t your boss, your friends or your family, it’s you, and you’re being harsher than the facts call for.  

Where this habit actually comes from

A lot of this is learned, not built-in; self-criticism usually gets picked up early, growing up around harsh or conditional feedback, and it sticks around long after whoever first modelled it is out of the picture.

It often disguises itself as motivation too, as if being hard on yourself is what keeps you going; but research doesn’t back that up; a 2024 study by psychologists Brott and Veilleux found more self-critical people reported more hopelessness and less motivation, not more drive.

Sometimes it’s really more about control; since you can’t control what other people think of you, criticizing yourself first can feel like getting there before anyone else does.

And sometimes it gets mistaken for humility, especially if you grew up thinking confidence looked like arrogance; even though being harder on yourself doesn’t actually change how humble or full of yourself anyone else thinks you are.

It feeds low self-esteem

Self-criticism doesn’t just come from low self-esteem, but also actively feeds it. The two tend to run in a loop: shaky self-worth makes a mistake look bigger than it is, each mistake chips away the self-worth a bit more, giving the inner critic more room to run. What’s less clear is which one starts the cycle. Some studies actually suggest low self-esteem comes first, and self-criticism follows; with each one making the other a bit worse over time. Working on self-esteem directly (through affirming self-talk, therapy, or simply collecting evidence against the inner critic’s claims) can interrupt a cycle that self-criticism alone tends to keep running.

How it becomes automatic

Part of what makes self-criticism so persistent is that it doesn’t feel like commentary; it feels like a fact, because it’s running largely outside our conscious awareness. The voice that’s criticising is not some separate entity; it’s a pattern of thought that got learned so much, that it became almost automatic, like a habit. That is why it can feel so hard to stop believing what it says.

Dealing with this voice that is putting you down

1. Dealing with this harsh voice of yours isn’t really about silencing it completely. It’s more about slowly loosening how much authority it gets by default.
2. A few things tend to help in practice: catching the voice in the moment and asking “would I actually say this to someone I love?”  If the answer is no, that’s a clear sign the reaction is disproportionate.
3. Keeping a small record of wins or things that went right can help counterbalance the brain’s habit of only replaying what went wrong.
4. Giving yourself the same grace period you’d automatically extend to a friend: a bit of “that’s understandable” before jumping to “what’s wrong with me”; can interrupt the pattern before it fully takes control of your thoughts.

None of this makes the inner critic vanish, but over time, it can shift from being the loudest voice in the room to just one voice among several; the one you’re allowed to question instead of automatically obey.

How can UNSAD help you lower your inner critic

If self-criticism feels constant, intense, or is getting in the way of daily life, relationships, or self-esteem; questioning the voice on your own isn’t always enough, and that’s okay too. Sometimes that’s exactly the moment to bring in some extra support. Here’s how we at UNSAD can help you through this:

• MBDBT (Mindfulness-Based Dialectical Behavioural Therapy), developed by founder Dr. Syeda Arifa Tasneem, combines mindfulness with emotional regulation skills to build a real pause between a self-critical trigger and the automatic reaction that follows. One of the key aspects in this technique is “Loving-Kindness” where self-compassion has a central role in it.
• EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works directly with the emotional charge behind distressing thoughts, rather than just trying to logically argue your way out of them. It works with the subconscious mind and brings in positivity to our system
• EAET (Emotional Awareness and Expression Therapy) helps people notice and actually feel the emotions the criticism tends to cover up, like anger, grief, or shame. Left unexpressed, those emotions don’t just go away, they tend to show up later as stress or the same harsh self-talk on repeat. Giving them an outlet helps weaken what keeps the inner critic going.

The goal isn’t forced positivity. It’s building enough space and self-awareness that the inner critic becomes something you can notice, question, and eventually turn down, instead of something running the show by default.

Author

I’m Harshita, a Psychology (Honours) student at Christ (Deemed to be) University. I’ve always been genuinely curious about why people think, feel, and behave the way they do, and I love exploring the science behind human behaviour. Right now, I’m focused on building a strong foundation in the field and finding practical, meaningful ways to turn psychological insights into real-world impact.

This article has been reviewed by Dr. Syeda Arifa Tasneem, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Founder of UNSAD Health.

The author is currently completing an internship at UNSAD Health.